When your head is so full of everything and nothings leaving, you tend to sound like you're speaking gibberish to any other person. I need to type whatever I can so maybe I could... oh I don't know... give my freaking brain a chance to breath.


I feel like a balloon... I keep inflating and inflating, and there's no way to let that fucking air out. Basically... I feel like I'm getting closer an closer to exploding. It's any little thing... My back pain getting worse, my side pain getting sharper, even a constant feeling of something stuck in my eye, for god sakes. I just want to sit and try to forget everything. I can't seem to focus on getting school work done... I want to graduate but my "balloon" is so full of air, thinking of anything else makes me want to smash my head into an iron wall. I want to do nothing, hear nothing except maybe positive comments for once. I hurt too much, I feel too much, I think too much... I would never hurt myself, but I just wish I could sleep; that I could be in a medically induced coma until my birthday, maybe? It's the one day people don't judge me, at least as much as to where I can tell. People would treat me how they treat everyone else. I just want to be like that, to take a minute breather of this life I live. The life that I have to constant either prove what's wrong with me or try my hardest to swallow it up and shut up, never at ease. I'm overwhelmed... I hurt, I'm exhausted trying so hard, everything is just too much. Well... this is my vent. Saying about 1/1000th of what's floating around my so-cluttered-it's-turning-numb-brain. Maybe writing it can get me focused enough to do SOMETHING. Nothing to do now but let my mind turn and see if this stupid crap even worked just a little....

And I feel like my brain might explode. Everything. Is. Going. On. Main one? School. Freaking-eaking school.

I started school, and I feel- already- like a failure...

First period? I know no one, and instead of even talking after class like you're allowed after you finish the lesson, I do my homework. Which, SURPRISINGLY everyone things is WEIRD! Who knew?
Second period? No different, only second period is my foreign language class! So now, I don't know anyone in that class AND I have to speak an entirely different language! (Which, by the way, I completely forgot. They didn't have the language I needed to take last year in hospital homeschooling, so I skipped a year. So now I'm doing my second year of this foreign language and I don't remember a thing.)
Third period, I know a few people, but my doctor is MENTALLY INSANE. No lie, ask ANYONE who's EVER had him, and they'll say he is. And I sit behind someone who likes my friend, and in front of someone who used to make fun of me in 8th grade. Lovely.
Fourth period is the only period I really kind of like. My friend is in there, and the teachers tight, plus we don't ever have homework in that class. My friends friend's are in that class, eh. I think, yes. Two of them. And there is someone I think I might think is cute? Only I don't want to think ANYONE is cute, ever. Because I don't need that. I don't need to be rejected for the millionth time, nor do I want to.
Lunch, I sit with my friend in 4th, only she knows like a million people and I kind of feel left out most of the time, like I'm just following her around. I don't know anyone else in that lunch, in the WHOLE lunch, I don't know anyone else in it that I hangout with, which I SO knew would happen.
Fifth period, I don't really know anyone. My friends friend is in there but she's a bitch and I don't think she really likes me much at all. And I missed one day, and I totally think I already flunked the first test. LOVELY! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A TEST!
And the LAST period, I don't know anyone AGAIN. And again, my teacher is insane. La-dee fucking DAH. I sound so angry, but really- I'm just so annoyed that I don't know anyone. I don't know how to make friends, literally, I don't. And although you're supposed to stay positive about these kinds of things, I really don't think I'll make many friends.


I'm doomed.

Ever. Ever.

Why did I give him a fucking chance!??!?!? He actually DELETED me off his friends list on myspace. What the fuck did I do? NOTHING. Ugh, why can't there be one guy who is actually nice to me... Like we were supposed to go on a date this Saturday... And I knew this was going to happen but I didn't want to believe it.

I fucking hate myself, entirely.

Okay, so the other day I was on a webcam website with a guy I thought might like me. We kind of were flirting, I guess, and he told me he liked me. And he wanted to take me out when he got back from his dads. So I was like, "Okay... I'm not sure about this but maybe I should keep an open mind." I hate that I make exceptions, I really wish I wouldn't. Past experiences have showed me time and time again not to trust, and I always think "Maybe if I make an exception..." It NEVER turns out right, It never has and I honestly think it might never turn out right. Alright, back to the story I was trying to talk about...

So I was on a webcam website with this guy... I'll call him... John. And me and John were talking, and he was making me laugh, and he was being really sweet to me, saying I looked pretty and stuff. Of course, I fall for it. And I go on his myspace, and GUESS WHAT I SEE. I see a picture of this girl in a BIKNI, our age. And it says a date, and that she is his GIRLFRIEND. My heart sunk to my stomach, again. It sunk and I felt like I was going to pee, throw up, and die all at the same time. Because I KNEW that this would happen. That is what ALWAYS happens. And I fucking fell for it, AGAIN. I am so stupid. So I ask him why he even wanted to talk to me. And he questioned why I asked that. I told him, "You have a girlfriend and I feel stupid, I didn't even know?" (Mind you, this was like in the middle of while we were talking. We started talking in like... May or June. And they started going out the first week of July.) I also said, "I feel absolutely ridiculous... I've been flirting with you, and I think you were flirting with me...? Why?" He said they already broke up. SHOULD I EVEN BELIEVE THAT? I don't know... Maybe I was just overreacting. That's possible, I do that a lot. I look back at his myspace and I THINK that I saw he took it off. I mean, I usually go all the way to the bottom of the page, and then up, because I'm ridiculous and I feel like that's better. And I remember seeing it off, because I thought it was on his 'Who I'd Like To Meet.' But later, after we stopped talking and I said I guess I believe you, I look at it again, and it's in his About Me. Maybe he didn't take it off? Or maybe he did take it off when I talked to him about it, and then put it back on after. And I asked him about it on the phone later that night when he called me and he said he thought he did.

I swear I'm going Nancy Drew on this, but I want to completely be sure I won't get my heart torn out of me again. Well, he told me he was going to take it off in the morning and he was going to redo his WHOLE myspace, or something. And I was like, oh cool. I went to go look at it and see what he changed it like, and it was the same, with the picture still there, but it said he was on today. I'm not sure. But I really think he might be going out with her and saying he broke up with her and still talking to me. And I just don't know. Because I might be paranoid. But I can't talk to anyone about it because no one listens to me, no one wants to help me out. They expect me to help them, but they don't want to help me back. So whatever.

If I decide to trust him, and what I think, DOES happen... I will feel absolutely foolish and stupid. I know I shouldn't, but I'm so lonely and what if he really did break up with her. But then again... Why did he go out with her WHILE in the middle of "talking" to me. He never even told me he had one. I really shouldn't talk to him, I know... But I'm just... lonely. And I WANT to trust him. I know I shouldn't.

This will end badly...

Who is to say that bisexuality doesn't exist?! Honestly, you have NO right to judge that, because if you believe that you OBVIOUSLY wouldn't understand the feelings. I WILL have feelings for both men and women. And it's not just because I can't make my mind up. And it's DEFINITELY not for attention. Because I don't think me kissing a girl or two in Elementary School in the bathrooms and getting in trouble for it, was for ATTENTION. ANYONE with HALF a brain would know that in order to say so, there would have to be solid proof. God or no God, I am BISEXUAL and I fucking LOVE it.

No I don't go hitting on every girl I see. I'm shy, I don't like going up to random people. I have more confidence online then in public. (As most people probably do.) And for attention!? Are you kidding me? Why would I want attention for that? That's the wrong kind of attention. That's basically sexual attention. Why would I want that? I was raped in 4th grade. When I was SO down about losing everyone I ever cared about and was hidden in my room for a half a year, I wanted to feel loved and needed and decided it would be good or something, to have sex. So I had sex with a 21 year old guy I knew from some friends. And I was 13. Figure that out on your own. So basically, the last thing I want is anything based on sexual attention. I like girls because I enjoy their company. I like girls because I just DO. I am attracted to them.




People piss me off...

My friends treat me like shit. I mean, they're good. But they suck too. I will review a few of the things that they have said and/or done, and (if anyone actually reads this) you tell me if you agree. I will use the names Stacey and Sarah.

EXAMPLE 1:
(We're at the beach, sitting at a restaurant, that is overlooking the beach shore.)
Me- (I see a motorbike riding on the beach.) "I want to ride on one of those! Before my back surgery, I want to do that."
Sarah- "Yeah! Me and Stacey can ride and we can tie a rope around your neck and drag you behind us!"
Stacey- "Hahahah."
Me- "...."


EXAMPLE 2:
(We're sitting at my computer, on myspace.)
Me- "If I died would you still keep me on your top?"
Sarah- "That would give me a chance to take you OFF my top."
Me- "Oh thanks a lot..."


EXAMPLE 3:
(Anytime, anywhere, in front of anyone.)
Me- "(I'll say anything at all)"
Sarah OR Stacey- "...Die."





That's just three examples. And I know I don't deserve that. And it just pisses me off so much that they say that stuff REPEATEDLY and they still think it's hilarious. I don't, I really really don't. I never hear any other friends saying that to their friends. WHY!!? I'm SO fucking nice, I'm the nicest girl- I swear. I just don't get it! And I can't confront them about it and risk loosing there friendship, they're the only friends I have. And I've known them since 2nd grade. I love them, but what they say to me absolutely hurts me. No one takes me seriously. I joke around too much, whenever I get uncomfortable- I joke. I'm loud, annoying, and consistent. I don't know when to stop. And I can't help it. I don't deserve this.

I always get inspired to write lyrics at the most inconvenient time possible. I will literally be ten seconds away from falling asleep and I'll just get an idea and it takes me an hour to forget about it and fall asleep. As committed as I am to writing, I will not get back out of bed. I am nocturnal, an insomniac, I can NEVER fall asleep. My nights consist of myspace, iTunes, and AIM. And holy crap, it's getting old.

Good god, what is it about myspace that gets so many people absolutely HOOKED? I'll admit, I use it daily. But I hate it, and if there was a rehab for myspace, I'd totally sign myself up for it. I wonder what myspace withdrawal would be like. Shaking? Crying? Texting overload? Oh gosh, the thought of it! I, myself, go CRAZY with bulletins. I'm pretty much known as, "the girl who posts bulletins." They'd put that on my grave. But at least mine aren't w4w or constant pc4pc! I actually say my thoughts and feelings, whatever the fuck annoys me. I can't resist but post a bulletin about it.

I mean, I think it's understandable why I'm on myspace so much. With all of my medical problems, and my lack of friends due to the lack of public school, I have NOTHING to do. I can take a few walks here and there, but nothing more then a mile, probably less, I don't know my measurements or whatever the hell you would call that. I have a reason for being myspace addicted. That's my only way of communication with the outside world. The only way I can make ANY sort of friend. And I already knew it but writing this made me think even more about how much of a LOSER I am. My first tattoo should be an L on my forehead. No! Wait! That's too common, I am unique, I'm an individual. Instead, I'll tattoo a huge L on my chest. What if that actually made me, "cool?"

But even when I WAS in school, in 9th grade, for the first 18 weeks. I was the person sitting in the back of the classroom actually LEARNING instead of passing notes, sneaking naps, and texting Jenny about the hot boy in my English class! And I actually felt STUPID for learning? I never thought that would happen. I am a straight A student. Remember the days when other students looked up to you for doing your homework and all of your assignments and getting A's on tests? I would sit in Journalism and when we had free time, I'd work on my English or something. And they would be like, "WTF OMG." Cept' not really. But they would think I was weird. And they would say, "You got an A on your test? Goossh." (Jealousy.) I so realize I'll be their manager, but as for the rest of my high school existence, I don't see a bright future in me being even somewhat popular. No, not even that, Just having more friends then doctors, would be nice. Then again, I have like 30 doctors. So... There's no hope. I'm doomed.

So I really hope this isn’t a pattern. If it is, it will completely devastate me. The only two guys I ever honestly believe that I love, in the army? I mean, set aside the heart breaking and the bad memories, I loved them. And I believe once you love someone, there will always be a part of you that will always love them. And I will worry regardless of how they hurt me, because they are a human being. And that I know them, I will worry more. And the fact I probably won’t know for a while if something were to happen, doesn’t make the whole worry situation any better.
I mean, they both helped me out a lot with where I was in my life. One got me through a lot of crap that I went through with friends and people harassing me. And the other took my mind of my back pain, a lot. And that was when it first started, when I was most scared and not used to how things were going to be. He would hug me and actually worry about if it would hurt my back. And through both times I had someone that made me feel wanted. At the time, I was wanted.
M relationships with those two weren’t that great at the end. One broke up with me on myspace, and we started talking again later on- but it ended, at the time, badly. And the other never really broke up with me, just stopped talking to me. I dropped him off at home and gave him a kiss goodbye and that was the last time I talked to him until I tricked him into going to the beach, where I was, to talk with him, 6 months later- Because nothing can end like that. Both may have kind of crumbled my trust for people, but I will never not care about someone’s safety- even if they hurt me. Even if they said they would never hurt me.
These two, obviously, won’t read this. But I need to get it off my chest because it’s about to make me explode or something. I never really wrote down just what happened and how I felt. And I never really got over either. And I know that’s kind of pathetic because it has been a WHILE. But I’m not moving forward, I’m stuck in the past. I’m doing and dealing the same way every single day. I am usually in my room, and to get over things, you need to be out and about. And when one of them broke up with me, it was right around when a good portion of the 8th grade completely hated me and would do anything possible to make me feel like crap. I remember one guy, on Valentines Day, thought it would be a hilarious joke if he sent me a rose, and would try to make me think that someone liked me, or something. He ended up writing the wrong name and it was delivered to someone in a different class, and came up to me saying, “You should at least make out with him! Hahahahah.” And the whole hate profile on myspace, with the clever name, “(My Name)Fatass.” That started happening right after he broke up with me. I was so depressed and just any horrible feeling you can get from that, I had to be homeschooled, go on depression medicine, and go to a therapist. I mean, I had lost everyone I thought was my best friend. My one best friend moved the summer before this, and I lost the others- in the “Let’s hate Me” battle. I didn’t really have any friends for a while, so I was in my house most of the days. Staying stuck in a house makes things hard to forget, cause all you can really do is think. The other time, he stopped talking to me a few days before my pain got even worse- making me miss 9 weeks of school and then going into hospital homeschooling. Again, I was stuck in the house, except this time, I couldn’t really do much of anything. It’s home, doctors, hospital. Repeat. I should be able to completely get over it all, but so far- I haven’t been able. More so with the more recent, but still, both traumatic.

This is where I would begin smacking my head with a sledge hammer, because this is completely pointless for me to type out. But paper is my therapy, and it’s really the only thing that will “listen” to everything I have to say. Let me clear up what I meant in my last paragraph. I AM over them, but I’m still kind of stuck on how things ended, and how happy I was when I was still talking to them- and how crappy things got almost right after. Coincidence, bad luck, MY luck. And not being able to meet anyone new kind of makes it more difficult to stop thinking about it enough to get over it completely. There has just been so much CRAP in my life, it’s SO hard for me to get over and deal with it all fully and completely. This isn’t where I should be in my life, this isn’t how I pictured it at all. Instead of parties and hanging out with a bunch of people having fun, I’m at a doctors appointment. Instead of being able to drive around, I’m walking into the kitchen to get a pain pill. Instead of laughing and being happy and content, I’m silent, scared, and disappointed. In September, it will be two years that this will be going on. A whole two years of my teen life, wasted on surgery, appointments, pain, and panic. A whole two years of my teen life, wasted on something that I still have NO clue what caused it. And I’m kind of switching topics here, but in a way they’re kind of related? Well, it makes sense to me. I know what I deserve, and that’s a chance. And I’m not getting the chance I wanted. You can’t get everything you want in life, but you also can’t take back two years either.
But what would I have done different? Not take a chance at finding something that may make me happy? Act as if I could break at any moment? My misfortunes are unpreventable. I feel like I’m wasting it, when I could be helping other people too. Most of my myspace messages consist of me giving anyone and everyone advice, help, comfort, someone to talk to. Because that’s really all I can do right now.
Ahh. Whenever I write these things, they get so off track and mixed up and may not make sense. That’s kind of how I am though, so if you completely don’t understand how I’m moving from thing to thing, feel free to internet smack me, Haha. (*smack*)
So how about that Global Warming…!